The question has been brewing in my mind for the past few days. Over the weekend, my husband and I went to visit my family for the first time since we were married. As was inescapable, I ended up in the church pew Sunday morning next to my grandmother after a hearty dose of familial guilt (It will mean so much to your grandmother! Who knows how much longer she has left?).Though I no longer attend church or follow the faith, my parents’ church was a huge part of my childhood. Growing up, I spent most of every Sunday along with several evenings throughout the week within those walls. Though at least seven years have passed since I last attended with any regularity, many of the same faces remain. As we drove up to the church, I braced myself for the unavoidable questions and comments from all of my parents’ friends. What I had not adequately braced myself for was the amount of physical contact I had to deal with throughout the morning.
The people of my parents’ church are very physically affection people. Hugs are expected upon greetings and partings. Hugs or pats on the arm are offered for condolence or celebration. Though I grew up within this culture, it hit me differently this time now that I am several years removed. As soon as I sat upon the pew beside my grandmother, we were surrounded. People I had never met were soon hugging me, grabbing my arms, and touching my legs. My skin began to crawl and I felt as if I would suffocate amongst the swarm of bodies. What none of them realized, what I’m sure none of them even considered, is that I live with PTSD. Crowds set me on edge. Unexpected physical contact can make me violent. Excessive physical contact, even if expected, can throw me into a panic attack. Basically, what played out in that pew was a recipe for disaster for my mental state.
As I stood beneath a tree after the service imbibing in some much needed nicotine, my mind began to process the whirling mess that had developed within. As I thought back over how my mental state had deteriorated throughout the morning (paranoia, anxiety, nervous tics…), I analyzed what had set me off. As more and more people crowded around me before service, I had begun to feel trapped, which, due to my experience with rape, sends my anxiety sky-rocketing. As more and more people gave me hugs and pats on the back, my skin crawled and I had to fight hard to stop my nervous ticks from coming out. The cincher for me was the man who grabbed my thigh in what he clearly thought was a friendly gesture. As I neared the end of my smoke, it clicked for me that what was lacking in all of these instances was consent. I was not asked if I wanted a hug or to be touched, but rather forced into the action. While I could have protested, I could have ripped away as each hug came in, I found it difficult to do so. Throughout my life I have been socialized to not make a scene and to be polite. Despite actively working against these patriarchal notions, in a moment of great discomfort, I found it hard to move past this conditioning for fear that I would be perceived as over-reacting and that I would disappoint my parents.
When we talk about consent, we typically discuss it in the context of sexual endeavors. This is very important since, as a society, we still have a great deal of confusion and disregard surrounding consent in the bedroom (or wherever else you like to get it on!). However, we often don’t consider the importance of consent in other areas of our lives. From the work place to social gatherings, physical contact is often made without regard for the other party’s consent or well-being. A hug may be just a friendly gesture to one person while to another that hug can threaten their mental or physical well-being. To many, this may seem like a dramatic overreaction or culture becoming too PC, so let us explore why consent is important.
It is estimated that anywhere from 1 in 5 to 1 in 3 women have been victims of rape throughout their lifetimes. This means that, more likely than not, if you are in a group of people, someone is a survivor of rape. Those who have lived through rape deal with the trauma in different ways and one person may respond differently from one day to the next. Some survivors withdraw into themselves while others seek to constantly be around others to quiet their minds. Some become hyper-sexual, while others lose all desire for sexual contact. Some survivors move on with relative ease while others struggle for years with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is estimated that 1/3 of rape survivors will experience PTSD at some point throughout their recovery. Often associated with war veterans, PTSD is an anxiety disorder brought on by trauma. It is experienced in a variety of ways, though there are three main categories of symptoms. Those that cause the person to re-live the trauma, such as flash backs or night terrors, make up the first category: re-experiencing. These occurrences are often brought on by small things in the person’s surroundings such as a particular smell or, as is relevant to our discussion, unexpected physical contact. During a flashback, the mind is ripped away from the present moment back to the moment of trauma so that the person feels and experiences that moment as if it were actually occurring. The next category of symptoms, avoidance, is characterized by intentionally or subconsciously doing things (or not do things) to avoid reminders of the event as well as losing interest in things that used to be enjoyable. Our third category is hyper-arousal which often presents as difficulty sleeping, constantly feeling on edge, rapid mood changes, and startling easily. While not all survivors of rape will suffer from PTSD, it is important for us to be aware of how it can affect those who do. Even for survivors without PTSD, there are often mental challenges and odd reflexes that must be dealt with.
For a survivor of rape, day to day life can be full of pitfalls and challenges. This is often exacerbated by the shroud of secrecy that so often surrounds sexual assault. If no one knows that you have been raped, how do you explain reactions to everyday occurrences that may seem over the top or ridiculous to others? Many survivors must keep their experience private due safety concerns or community pressure. Unless someone chooses to share their experiences, we don’t know if those around us have been affected by sexual violence.
With all this in mind, we look back at the idea of consent. Physical contact is such a common way of showing affection, condolences, joy, and so many other emotions that many of us never stop to question our assumptions. Any time someone makes physical contact without waiting for consent, they are assuming that the other person is ok with the action. The simple question “Do you want a hug?” can make a huge difference to the person of the receiving end. Not only does this allow the person to decline contact, it also shows respect for that individual. For a survivor of sexual violence, this gesture gives them agency and control of their body, something that is taken away in the act of rape. Looking beyond survivors of sexual violence, there are many others who may not welcome physical contact. Someone with a physical injury may experience pain during a hug and would decline if asked. A variety of mental illnesses can be exacerbated by an unexpected touch. For those with allergies, a hug could mean a trip to the hospital. The person on the receiving end may just not want a hug. Many of us, particularly women, are conditioned to go along with an unwanted hug or touch rather than risk causing a scene. Asking before making contact allows others the opportunity to actually make a decision for themselves and their bodies rather than going along with something for the sake of manners.
Whether discussing consent in regards to sexual situations or platonic situations, many express concerns that having to ask before each level of contact is taking the fun out of situations or making things awkward. However, consent does not need to be explicitly verbal. Before giving someone a hug, you could put your arms out rather than moving in immediately to allow the other person to either return the hug or do nothing. When we offer a high-five, we typically wait for the other person to complete the action instead of just slapping their hand wherever it might be. Why not apply the same methods to all forms of contact? When verbally requesting consent for physical contact, there are a myriad of ways to casually ask, and if you truly don’t feel comfortable asking someone for consent then the assumed answer should be no. After all, is taking a moment to ask a question really worse than ruining someone’s day?
Sabrina Whitenight 